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Maybe I’m Selfish

Today, it hit like a sag of rocks that my little Moo is growing up on me.  And if I’m being totally honest I have to say that I don’t like it one bit. I know, I know…I should probably be glad that she is learning to do certain things for herself such as walking, taking off her shoes and socks (and hat on occasion), holding her own cup and more.  Call me selfish or crazy but I want to rewind the clock all the way to the beginning.

As I watched her walk around, it crossed my mind that in 8 months she’ll be 2 and then before I know it she’ll be 18 and leaving the nest.  Just the thought of her not needing me anymore kinda scare me.  I mean if I’m breaking down now because she can climb on the sofa by herself, what am I going to do when she starts picking out her own clothes?  I know some of you are thinking that I should just have another kid, but to be honest I just like having my one.  It took me years to get to the point that it dawned on me that I would actually like to give this mommy thing a try.

Let’s not add the fact that my current situation is a little complicated at the moment.  The love I feel for her is so overwhelming that I can’t envision being able to give the same love to a 2nd child.  But then maybe we’re meant to love each one of our kids differently.  As the second oldest of five, I know for a fact the my parents love each of us differently and at times it bothers me.  I just don’t want to risk putting any child in this same position.

Not to mention, Moo totally enjoys having me all to herself.  Another child anytime soon would just crush her.  Then there’s the fact that I have fibroids that grow and shrink on my right ovary.  I was so uncomfortable my entire 9 months and got so sick of people asking if I was having twins.  If only storks could really just drop the baby off at your door step.

However, all the pain and months of discomfort were worth it. Now I just want her to need me a little while longer… Ok forever maybe.  Having Moo transformed me somehow.  I’m shaping a life here. Wow!!  That is just still totally amazing to me.  No matter how selfish I feel the urge to be, I won’t smother her.  Instead, I’ll sit back and watch my caterpillar morph into the soaring butterfly she’s becoming.

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