“Many women enter motherhood with low self-esteem, focusing on the negative, feeling inferior and inadequate, always dwelling on reasons why they can’t be happy. Others put off their happiness till some future date. Unfortunately, ‘someday’ never comes.“
My first pregnancy was not even close to being a fairy-tale. I had to quit my job, find health insurance, deal with my mom’s disappointment and save my fragile relationship. My self-esteem was beyond low. It was shot to hell actually.
And being jobless with a baby on the way certainly made me feel inadequate about being able to raise a child. I wanted to be happy (and was to a certain extinct) but reason after reason and issue after issue kept raining on my parade. I learned quickly that I couldn’t rely on others (including my own mother) to inspire a little bit of happiness. Don’t get me wrong…I love my mom and she loves me. Our bond is amazing and the only person who knows her better than herself and I is God. (She will and has confirmed this statement.)
However, the night I told her I was pregnant will always be the most bittersweet of my life. My sisters, who were accompanying her, squealed with delight as she read aloud my pregnancy test results from the doctor. My mom’s face had this look as if I had just told her I was going to prison. She didn’t smile or say congratulations.
In fact, she stayed eerily quiet. She felt like I was reliving her mistakes. Here I was twenty-two, not married, living with my fiance of 3 years and trying to finish school and pursue my dreams. Now I had just added a baby to the mix. She made no effort to hide her disappointment.
I was heartbroken. While I wasn’t exactly planning on having a child before marriage, it happened. I didn’t regret it either. I was after all having unprotected sex. I knew the risk and accepted the responsibility for my actions. I was a grown woman no longer living under my mother’s roof.
I felt myself drowning in depression. I kept thinking that someday things would get better. I convinced myself that this was my punishment for not living as close to God’s will as I was suppose to and all my other past sins. Weeks turned into months and eventually I delivered Moo. A rainbow of joy seemed to envelope me until doom set in again when my fiance and I split.
Shortly after Moo’s first birthday, I was sitting at home reflecting on my life. I was at rock bottom emotionally. In my sitting still and staring at Moo while she napped, I realized someday was never coming. I was just sitting around on my ass waiting for happiness to appear out of thin air. It was as if things would magically improve.
You see happiness takes work and learning to accept the current state of my life. Through that acceptance, I could enact plans to change those things that were holding me back. You see happiness doesn’t come from others, money or things. It comes from hard work, getting rid of the stumbling blocks and living the best life for yourself.
My journey to inner happiness has included removing negative people from my life, forgiving those who hurt me and myself, asking others to forgive me and working hard to live right according to my religious beliefs. I’ve also been proactive at working to make my dreams come true. The road gets bumpy but I no longer sit around waiting for a day that doesn’t exist. The next second is not promised to anyone. So we must make the present count at all times.
If you want to be genuinely happy examine your life. What are your expecting others to do that you can do for yourself? What is holding you back from living the life you dream of? Make a list and then get to action. Sitting on your butt waiting for ‘someday’ will cause you to miss out on your life, family, future and most of all your happiness.
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